The Advice given by A Dad Which Saved Us during my time as a New Parent

"In my view I was merely trying to survive for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of being a father.

But the reality quickly proved to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, each diaper… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his own dad, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable addressing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider failure to talk amongst men, who still internalise harmful ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a sign of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - most notably ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a respite - taking a few days away, separate from the home environment, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of taking care of a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has transformed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son better understand the expression of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings resulted in him make "poor choices" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that helped you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help does not mean you've failed - looking after you is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the death, having had no contact with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead give the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their struggles, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I expressed, on occasion I believe my role is to guide and direct you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."